How Does It Feel?

So exactly how does it feel to be a mother of three?  That seems to be the question many are asking me.  As with most life-changing experiences it's not just one emotion that I feel.  It's more like a rainbow of feelings, the feelings are often blended into one another and seem to teeter back and forth multiple times a day.

Red- Red is considered an intense, or even angry, color that creates feelings of excitement or intensity. An easily-explained postpartum color emotion; frustration or anger.  Harrison and Gavin are getting the brunt of this emotion lately.  The brotherly bickering and picking at one another is relentless, especially since we've been spending an ungodly amount of time at home.  I feel like an umpire in a game that's in triple overtime. My mommy guilt kicks in about 10:30 every night when I reflect on the day and feel I've said more words of discipline than words of encouragement.  I know hope this gets better.  It has to, right?  I don't want my kids to remember me only as mean mommy. It doesn't help that Steve (trying only to be helpful and give me a break) comes home and takes the older boys to go do something fun.  It furthers the divide making me ultra lame and mean.

Orange- Orange calls to mind feelings of excitement, enthusiasm, and warmth. I actually feel orange a lot.  I'm excited about what the future holds.  I feel kinda like I'm on the sidelines warming up waiting for the game of my life to start.  I hope I don't choke, will cover the spread, and come out the MVP of momma's. 

Yellow- Yellow is a bright color that is often described as cheery and warm.  I'll be honest, yellow is probably the emotion I feel the least. I guess I feel physically warm having three kids in my lap most of the day.  To me, cheery denotes a well-rested body that's full of energy--definitely not me at this time.  I do hope in the near future to feel more yellow.  

Green- Green represents tranquility, good luck, health, and jealousy. I feel immensely fortunate to have had three c-sections and come out relatively unscathed.  I started the day on June 23 with two requests from the Big Guy; let my baby be healthy and let me live. I'm about two weeks from delivery day and I feel a million miles away from where I was struggling to stand and walk.  I'm getting stronger and healthier everyday. Oh, and if I have to be honest, I suppose am jealous of those Heidi Klum's out there who walk the runway three weeks after giving birth. It's an emotional struggle finding clothes to fit in this awkward in-between stage. 

Blue- Blue calls to mind feelings of calmness, serenity, sadness or aloofness. Those baby blues have a way of catching up with me no matter how hard I try to escape them.  I think I've handled most everything of the past two weeks with relative ease, minus a small breakdown here and there (like coming home from the hospital and being in shock when the scale only showed a two pound weight loss! Two pounds?!  I birthed almost an eight pound baby!).  Steve has kindly shared with me, and anyone else who will listen, that I've been the most emotional with this pregnancy and delivery.  Look, it's hard having a baby, okay?  It's not easy having your emotions out of whack, your body looking grossly disfigured, and a newborn baby that needs your constant attention.  Add on top of that two other kids with lots of family and friends--even the strongest woman is bound to crack a little. 

Indigo- Indigo represents religion, spirituality and intuition. Being a mother to a newborn, toddler, and growing child requires me to hone in on all three of these.  The deep spirituality felt when holding your newborn is second to none. In addition to my three, I have witnessed hundreds of babies being born, and every time I feel the presence of God.  Religion helps me answer the really tough questions my little ones ask, like, "What happens when you die?" and intuition let's me know when it's best just to distract and deflect and save those tough answers for when they're older. 
 
Violet-  Violet represents the harmony of the universe because it is a combination of red and blue.  There is a true harmony that I feel looking at the wholeness of what my family is now.  Three children is always what I wanted, what I hoped for.  There is a peacefulness Steve and I both share looking at our three boys. We are content, happy, and in no rush for the next thing to happen.