Third Child

If I had a search engine on this blog and typed "mom guilt" a hundred posts would pop up.  The mom guilt is a recurring feeling I continuously am keeping at bay.  I know it's a feeling most mothers wrestle with, some just seem to cope better then others.  Me?  I suck at it.  I feel personally responsible for the "good, the bad, and the ugly" regarding my kids.  Of course, the good is good.  I love it.  It's the bad and the ugly I could live without.

So, here's the truth of it.  I have an aggressive kid.  Cannon pulls hair, pinches, scratches, and bites when he doesn't get his way.  Sometimes he does it just for kicks.  I have been a mother for seven years and for the first time recently I had to do the walk of shame and leave a playground because Cannon kept pulling kids hair.  I don't know why.  I can't give the reason for it.  What I can give is all the reasons everyone else has given me as to why he does it.  None of which I like.  I don't like the idea that my baby is aggressive because of his birth order, or because he has two older brothers, or most importantly, because he has to fight for my attention. 

It's the last reason that really stings the most.  Like, if only I could be more, do more, love more my child would be more Mother Theresa and less Ozzy Osbourne.

All that does is make me feel like I have somehow failed him.  It's that mom guilt creeping up on me.  Why does it always seem to come back to the mom as something she is or isn't doing? I have been doing a lot of deep-down Momma soul-searching lately and have come to a couple conclusions. 

I have worked as a neonatal nurse for twelve years.  I can, without-a-doubt, confirm that we are born with our personalities. Lady Gaga got it right when she said, "baby, you were born this way."  Yes, our environment will shape and bend us to fit our culture, family, and surroundings.  But, our temperament and disposition are God-given.  The good, the bad, and the ugly are all meant to be.  Does this mean I accept my baby bully and let him leave a trail of scratches and bite marks wherever he goes?  No.  But what it does mean I have to learn to accept that even on Cannon's nicest day he's maybe not going to give a round of hugs to our family.  It doesn't mean we've done something wrong as parents--he just is who he is. Like all of us he has a purpose here, I like to believe a God-given purpose. My prayer is his aggression will translate into determination which will turn into success.  In the meantime I'm left apologizing to children's parents, forcing hugs after bites, and accepting the bad and the ugly isn't always so bad.